November 19th, 2018

I feel as if I’ve entered a new phase in my life, having exited one which lasted seven years. It marks the steady decline of my life into ever more pathetic and depressing stages, of which the end result I do not yet know. The preceding phase began as I dropped out of sixth form and embarked on a journey, or struggle, to get my life back on track, in which many demoralising failures were endured. Looking back, I remember a time of serenity and self-improvement in an environment of solitude and quiet optimism. This may be a sort of nostalgia due to the darker, more depressing phase I find myself in now, but I feel as if I took that time of development for granted.

This current phase, which began in late 2015, is marked with overwhelming regret and despair at the ultimate failure of the previous phase, i.e. dropping out of university, the university I worked so hard to get into. Now my future is bleak, narrow and pessimistic; the opportunities that lie in wait for me are thin and unrewarding. After a decade of trying to regain my health and fitness, I lost it all due to antidepressants and agoraphobia. I have no reason to leave the house beyond walking my dog and do not have the mental wherewithal to keep concentrated on tasks that interest me and keep me occupied. I lie awake in bed lamenting the days of the previous phase, in which I possessed the mental and physical vigour to improve myself and grab the opportunities that lay ahead of me.

 I am terrified of the future; I see no other course than one of depressing sub-mediocrity in which I exist for no other reason than having been born in the first place. I will never experience anything that will enrich my soul, I will be a burden to anyone who crosses my path and spend my time looking back at the opportunities I threw away.